babies were throwing up all over the place
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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