OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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