So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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