I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
