Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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