You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
where are my eyebrows?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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