i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
