90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
