It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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