i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
