Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
