just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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