It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
