I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
