Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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