You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
