Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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