somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
