Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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