i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
