Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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