I wanna passion pit in your ass
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
