All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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