you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
