You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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