On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
