he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
