If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Blood and glitter go together right?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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