you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i think i have two assholes
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
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