Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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