dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
The air taste purple.
Randomize
