I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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