dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
