i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
