You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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