i need an iv and a liver transplant
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
