WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
