If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
