he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Randomize
