I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
