Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
