i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
