i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
