you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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