just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Don't make out with my wife yet
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
