I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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