Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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