I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
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