there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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