Umm I'm too high to move.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
