My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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