She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
