I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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