U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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