I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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