sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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