You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
