If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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