I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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