I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
